By Martin Postic Jr., Rotary Club of Oklahoma City Midtown, Oklahoma, USA
As Rotary members, we’re encouraged to apply The Four-Way Test to everything we think, say, or do. And yet many Rotarians fixate on just the first part of the test – “Is it the TRUTH?” – and stop there. It’s easy to see why. Truth is an absolute. But fairness, as embodied in the second part – “Is it FAIR to all concerned?” – is not.
In society today, the goal seems to be to win at all costs. Individuals sometimes seek to skew the truth to achieve an outcome “fair” to them but not necessarily fair to all concerned. Some people feel that if they win, it IS fair, but if they lose, it’s NOT. They’ll play fast and loose with the truth to achieve the result they deem “fair.” Which begs the question, “Which is more important – truth or fairness?”
I would argue they are both important and connected. As is the third part of the Test: “Will it build goodwill and better friendships?” It’s a mistake to consider any one part of the Test apart from the others. They’re all inter-related. And they’re all an internal barometer of our own intentions toward others, not a tool to judge others.
Fairness is a skill
A well-known TV commentator once said, “Fairness is not an attitude. It’s a professional skill that must be developed and exercised.” I believe this is what the Test has in mind. Fairness must be viewed from the point of view of our intentions in making an offer to another person and the environment created for the other party to accept that offer.
If we’re arguing over $100, it might be “fair” that we each agree to accept $50. Or one of us could justify needing a larger portion of that money than the other, due to our situation in life. That resolution could still be considered “fair.” We could even agree that one or the other of us should take all the money. A third party looking at that situation may not find any of these agreements to be “fair.” But why does the third party need to comment when they are not a party to, affected by, or concerned by the agreement being made?
What is fair in one case may not be fair in another. What is fair to one party may not be considered fair to another. Individuals need to look deep into their hearts when considering what is fair, because there are no absolutes of fairness. Still, there are fair solutions to most situations that can “build goodwill and better friendships.”
Past Rotary International President Cliff Dochterman’s annual theme in 1992-93 was “Real Happiness is Helping Others.” There’s something heartwarming about helping someone! Goodwill is defined as “a kindly feeling of approval and support; benevolent interest or concern.”
In most (but not all) friendships, a person is looking for something in return — acceptance, affirmation, business, love, or some other tangible benefit. If that benefit is not returned, the friendship often ends. In much the same way, if a business’s “friendship” (i.e., developing goodwill) does not translate into some tangible benefit to that business, the business either ceases their involvement in the community or goes out of business.
Building goodwill requires sacrifice
The third point of the Test similarly seeks a quid pro quo. If I demand that, in our friend-relationship, I am always right, you always pay, or you always bear the brunt of my insults or comments, how long will our friendship last? If I act in such a ruthless, cutthroat business manner that it hurts you or the community, will you want to do business with me or be my friend? Clearly, building goodwill and better friendships involves giving something up.
We have all been to meetings where someone tells a joke or makes a statement that insults someone. It may have been intended to be “in fun,” but was it really? We are each free to think, say or do anything we choose. However, I can freely choose to discontinue a friendship based on what I see that friend saying and doing.
Much like the concept of fairness, building goodwill and better friendships is not an absolute. I try (but don’t always succeed) to consider whether my thoughts, words, and deeds will build a better relationship with the people with whom I interact. Similarly, I consider whether the thoughts, words, and deeds of others cause me to want to continue a friendship with them.
I’m friends with many individuals whom I know don’t share my philosophies, beliefs, and opinions. I value their friendship enough not to impose those philosophies, beliefs, and opinions upon them. If my thoughts or words don’t further those friendships, then I choose to keep them to myself. However, if my friend doesn’t do likewise, our “friendship” can reach a breaking point where there is no longer a benefit to either of us. That is the crux of the question you must ask yourself: whether your thoughts, words, and deeds build goodwill and better friendships.
https://blog.rotary.org/2023/01/11/reconciling-truth-and-fairness/